My Pethetic moments

Frustrations

2008-10-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Please leave me alone!!!

Sometimes how I hope that I’m just someone that is deaf, mute and blind. How I wish that I won’t see those people who only knows how to feeds and satisfied their hunger and know nothing about the others; listening to the words that keeps on throwing on you when they themselves cannot be a bit considerate about the people that needs help; telling me to remind them if they made mistake, and if I remind them, they think I’m just too naïve and young to understand what is happening in their lives!

Useless human including me myself is just something that is so unworthy. Living in this place call as Ukraine plus with those people that is worst than beast make me feel like vomiting whenever I saw the hypocrite that try to remind me of my mistake and start preaching to me. The irony things is, they themselves cannot do whatever things that they think is right and try to mentally force me to do it!

I’m sick of these humans, and on top of all, I’m so tired living among them. The grudges that I had for them seem to pile up into something that is greater than mountain. Humans oh human…. How is wish that I’m just an animal. Even animal know how to take care of his beloved one and his companion. I’m ashamed of who I am.

Even for today, friends who I called brother and sister still cannot do their job to shine like stars. Quotes from them, “I don’t want to burden the other because I don’t want other to burden me” dare being thrown out from their tongue that is sharper than a knife! Whatever they say is just an empty promise.

Asking me for an opinion is just something that they like to do! They just do it for the sake of doing it. This is something that they called as “communication” and “agreement”!!! The funniest part is, when I give them my opinion, they will disagree with it and start telling me what they think. Then, what is the point of you asking me if you think that I’m too naïve and young to understand or giving any opinion???!!!

I’m sick of this place,
I’m sick of these entire human,
I’m sick of those friends who I call as brother and sister,
I’m just way too sick to think that I am a part of them!!!
Promises that is just as empty as the space,
Words that is as sharp as a knife,
Humanity that is as cruel as a devil,
I cannot endure it anymore!!!!
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

The Devil Within Me

2008-10-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

Frustration and confusion seems to be streaming out form the inner core of my soul… And the sources of those demonic powers are from the devil deep within me that seems to be rooted in me for ages… the harder I try to get rid of that demon, the harder and powerful the demon within me taking control of me.

Emotion that once I was able to control, now it belongs to another stalker inside of me. And everything seems to be a “slippery slope” in my life. 1st is the emotion, then is the guiltiness that always find a route to break through the barrier that I built based on God’s words.

Sometimes I hate myself for being who am I today! Steven that don’t know about self limitation, rebellious, hot-tempered, unfaithfulness and full of doubt against friends… I cannot imagine that I’m growing towards that site. I’m losing my saltiness, my light is getting dimmer and I seem to bring darkness into my friend’s life.

Spiritually, I’m getting weaker and weaker, day by day. And the devil within me is getting stronger and stronger, waiting for the suitable time to take control of me and show his true colors. I cannot imagine who I will be if I really turn into whatever the devil desire. It will be something more demonic, worst than the beast and the monster!

I’m struggling inside. My heart is aching whenever I harm the people who love and care for me. I don’t want to harm them, I want to treasure them and love them more. BUT, I’m defeated in the battle that I had with the devil!!!

Time is running out for me. Yet I’m losing the battle that I wish to win since the time I was being pull out from the pit of suicidal. I know what I’m facing, I know what I should do, and I know what the preventive measure that I should taken by now!!! I’m just too weak in faith; I’m just too selfish to do what is best for me!

I feel so unholy, I feel so guilty for being here and on top of all, I am ashamed of who I am today!!!

For crying out loud!!!
My inner self keep on pleading me,
To taste the worldly thing,
To sink in it; to be a part of it,
And involve in the unequally yolk relationship.
I’m powerless against it,
The temptation is way too strong to handle,
And it’s tearing me apart.
Dark demonic blood filling up my veins,
Taking control of every single cells,
That existed in my body ever since I was born.

Loneliness

2008-10-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

Loneliness rules my soul… eating me alive from the inside…

Where are my friends when I needed them? Why am I always being left out in this cruel and unfair world? Loneliness is consuming me from the inside out!! I feel like screaming out loud!! But my apprehensive voice just couldn’t break through the barrier of busyness that my friends have!! Every single friend that I have seems to be drifting away by the busyness of this world…

All those promises and good time that we had last time seem to be varnishing day by day… “Friends Forever” was the words that being thrown out by them. And now it’s just a history. Not in the present… And it will never be a reality in the future… my heart seems to be pierced by thousands and thousands of rusted blades.

Sitting on a cold damp floor, what creep into my mind was the great time that I had with my friends. I just cannot believe that it’s going to be a history and a mere dream that I once had. My soul trembled and stunned… Everything in this world seems to be so meaningless…

The wonderful colors that once present in my life, now being replace by darkness… I have lost in the battle… the battle that I fought and struggled for the past few years… I’m a loser, a sore ass that being defeated in my own battle…

Guiltiness seems to be creeping all over my body. Why am I so unworthy of having friends around me? Why I cannot treasure my beloved friends? Why I cannot do something to help my friends that needed helps? Why I cannot stop my friends from leaving me? Why I choose studies over my friends?

I’m sinking in the world of loneliness … No friends seems to care about me, no friends seems to notice me, no friends seems to be around me and the worst is, no friends seems to be lending his/her hands to pull me out from that pit of loneliness…

Drowning in swamp of guiltiness and loneliness,
Sometimes we yearn that our beloved friends,
Will be right beside us,
Listen to us and comfort us,
And lending his/ her hand to help us;
Frustration and sadness overwhelmed us,
When we find out,
Our beloved friends are not being there
When we are dwelling in troubles…
Tears of sadness just doubled up,
And what we can choose,
Is just between the deep blue sea and the devil…
And both lead us to the dead end…

Depressions

2008-09-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

A world without hope...

Sometimes, tears just streams down from my eyes without me realizing it. Staring at my friends pictures, I feel so sad and so depressed… indeed friends always cheer me up. But sometimes I wonder if it is just a dream. A dream that will fade away from my memory…. A thousand times I had been asking myself where I belong. But I just can’t find the answer to my questions.
Although I had a great time with my friends, when I was alone in my room, stressing up from all sort of problems, I will always think of my friends… but I ain’t find any beside me that time. Sadness just filled me up and consumed me alive!!!

I regretted why last time I choose to study in Ukraine. I had to leave all my friends behind. And what I get from that decision is just loneliness.. I feel like I’m being alone in this place. My 5B’s friends… my dearest friends… because of my decision, I cannot be with them and now I feel like I’m a stranger in that group. They treat me well, but guiltiness consumes me from the inside. I know nothing about them, not even a single hint on how are they doing in their lives or what they like or what they want… how pathetic that I am. For 5years I had been with them and now, I know nothing about them. Even when I wana chat with them, I find it’s hard for me to do so..and for me, they won’t really know what I want!!

And for my best friends, because of me alone, I destroyed the friendship that is so precious than gold or anything in this world. Why I cannot stick to something long enough for me to enjoy and be proud of? It seems that I do not belong in this friendship world. What I can do is just hurting my friends around me.. why can’t I grow up and think maturely?

As times goes by, something the negative thought creep into my mind again, poisoned my wonderful memories… then I will wonder and thinking again and again why am I always being left behind by my friends.. Why the hell I cannot be appreciated by my friends? I’m just a mere human. I also need love in my life. I need people to concern about me! Why and why I always being forsaken by my dearest friends?!

Aint’t I treasure them as much as I treasure myself? The feeling is just too great for me to handle…

Disappointment keeps on streaming in my mind and soul…
And tears of sadness keeps on streaming down from my cheeks…
Wonderful memories that I have keeps on fading…
And thousand of bitterness keeps on piercing through my heart…
No words can describe those feelings…
No friends can help me to overcome it…
Nothing I can do to help it…
And nothing I can do to revive that happiness that I once had with my friends…
Straying away from the wonderland that I once had with my friends…
Loneliness is the only answer that I find along the path…